How to Get Laid More (as a Heterosexual Human Male)

The first thing to understand is that there isn't a universal approach that works for every man with every woman in every situation. No one could write a worthwhile manual that says, "Touch a woman here, here, and here to give her the best sex of her life. Compliment her in exactly this way. Wear exactly this and do these four things to impress her.” As in all domains, there are only principles that generally describe how things work. But you cannot know or be in control of every relevant variable 100% of the time. You just start noticing certain patterns if you've done this enough times with enough women under a broad enough variety of conditions.

In fact, part of the appeal of a long-term and deep relationship with one woman is that you learn all the little personal things about her that don’t necessarily conform to broader generalization. Your interaction with her evolves to be more bespoke the longer you spend with her and the deeper you connect.

It's like describing how to have a good conversation with someone. That will depend on the two people involved in it. And frankly, some pairings of people could probably never result in a good conversation, and they shouldn’t try to force it to happen. They wouldn't have any values or interests in common to talk about, or their personalities would clash too much. Whereas some pairings might align such that they stay up all night effortlessly talking without being instructed how to. How they do it will be unique to them, and it might not have much in common with how most other people talk.

Depending on where you go in the world, the typical male tends to fail hard regarding most of these qualities. Therefore, it’s not too hard to be at least a little better than the competition and become romantically desirable to women, even if you never ascend to the top of the local sexual hierarchy. You can be smarter than most, kinder than most, more attentive than most, and overall more desirable.  

Don’t Be Gross

I was originally going to write “don’t be ugly” here, but that’s overcomplicating the matter. Even ugly guys can get laid pretty often. At a minimum, all you have to do is not be gross.

Sure, it’s an advantage to be handsome. But unless you just happen to be born that way, maintaining handsomeness tends to require a hell of a lot of vanity and attention to every aspect of dress and grooming. It’s also incredibly subjective, as what some women find super hot about a man might be a complete turn-off for others. And any woman who seeks out only the hottest guys that all other women generally want to have sex with is probably not a woman of high character anyway. It’s unlikely you’d have a great sexual experience with someone who only wants to have sex with you because she thinks you look good (and vice versa).

Instead, focus on not being gross. That’s enough for most women to be sexually enticed if all other conditions can be met. And gross is pretty easy to identify. Wash your body when you know you will see a woman, especially if you plan on having sex with her. Wash your hands before you put them on or inside her. Sweep the floor and take out the trash before she comes over. Close your mouth when you chew. It doesn’t have to be much more complicated than that.

Don’t Be Dumb

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that women tend to be attracted to men taller than they are. The tallest women, therefore, have the smallest available dating pool of men even taller than they are. This is an inescapable consequence of height distribution. A similar discrepancy happens with age. Women tend to be attracted to men a few or even several years older than them. It much less often happens in the opposite direction.

One less-acknowledged truth is that women are also almost always attracted to men smarter than they are. So you can imagine the limited options for extremely smart women. No matter what other attractive qualities a man might have, women don’t want to feel like they’ve been paired with an idiot. They don’t want to have to talk down to the man they look up to. A dumb man or one of even middling intelligence seems like a child to a brilliant woman. Many have even had to downplay their intelligence to appeal to men less bright than them.

A man who is as smart as or smarter than a smart woman might be among the first in her life to encourage her to display her full intellect. He does not feel threatened by it. It’s part of what he values in her. Finally, she feels like she can be herself and talk on the same level to someone she wants to get intimate with. Finally, she feels like she might gain something of value by listening to him. A related attraction dynamic exists for men she finds interesting, which is closely related to how she feels about men she finds intelligent.

Be a Straightforward Communicator

Modern flirting is based on misdirection. One person says something ambiguous enough to be interpreted as benign but that also hints at intimate and risky intentions. The other person obscures their level of interest in response to it. Both parties cautiously dance around each other as they inch closer to the shared truth of their desire. No one wants to risk just displaying what they mean upfront lest they be denied or judged.

Men can stand out by being the self-confident exception to this rule. Knowing who you are and what you want means never having to feel ashamed if your intentions go unreciprocated or might be disapproved of by the surrounding social culture. Transparency goes a long way toward building trust with women who might be accustomed to trying to see through the bullshit ordinary men spew at them. It’s refreshing to interact with someone who simply says what he means and puts his intentions toward you across as clearly as possible.

This approach, of course, depends upon you first having good intentions. Transparency has the opposite effect if you’re genuinely a piece of shit. Work on that first. And don’t ever pretend to be interested in something you’re not or uninterested in something you are. Part of straightforward communication is sharing your intentions with women up front, whether that be friendly sex, the deepest romantic love, or something else altogether.

Make Women Comfortable Around You

Comfort comes from knowing what to expect. Knowing what to expect turns into not being hesitant to express yourself. You might be surprised just how big of a problem that tends to be for women concerning the men in their lives. Sex itself is a dynamic and sensitive form of self-expression.

You make women comfortable around you by repeatedly demonstrating your character to them in ways they care about. The furthest a typical male might take this is superficial demonstrations of courtesy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with holding doors open for women or offering to carry heavy bags for them – so long as you’re doing it as a genuine expression of the desire to help. But for many men, these courtesies are performative. They are part of the flirtation and seduction racket, which means they are manipulative. They are done primarily to influence women into having a higher opinion of the men who perform them, which might just ever so slightly increase the chances that those women might one day agree to go out or even sleep with them.

Your character shows through in far more important ways if you let it. Listen when women talk. Be consistent with what you claim to care about. Help people (not just attractive women) because you want to. Basically, let women feel like they know what to expect when dealing with you. Never give them a reason to think there might be some form of danger waiting beneath the surface of you if they make the mistake of getting too comfortable and letting their guard down.

Listen to Women’s Experiences with Relationships and Sex

A benefit of women naturally feeling more comfortable around you is the willingness to share increasingly sensitive details on intimate subjects. Sex is a domain where virtually every woman on Earth will have at least some fears, anxieties, traumas, or bad experiences that they generally can’t express because the world would judge or attack them for doing so.

If a woman is comfortable enough to talk to you about what she liked or didn’t like in the past, what she hopes for or fears in the future, or her general approach to sexuality, it opens the door for you to be someone she feels comfortable exploring sexuality with. She won’t be doing this because you have the biggest muscles or the most symmetrical face. She’ll be doing it because you will have started to demonstrate to her that you are someone she has genuine compatibility with and will prioritize her comfort during a sensitive activity.

Most importantly, listening earnestly to a woman’s sexual thoughts and experiences gives you vital information about what to do or (more likely) not to do as you grow closer to her. Perhaps she will tell how much she has always felt used by men for her body in relationships and during sex. Or she might reveal how men in the past manipulated her into doing things she wasn’t truly comfortable doing by acting like she was obligated to. Hearing enough of these, you realize how easy it is to be better than the general competition. And you start to have much more sympathy for what modern women endure in their relationships with men.

Share Your Experiences with Relationships and Sex

A woman needs to feel safe with a man, and one of the best ways for her to do that is to know that other women already feel safe with him. Social proof can be incredibly powerful in this domain, which is one reason why you see men at the top of the sexual hierarchy frequently flaunting the number and quality of women they have been able to convince to be around them. You can do the same in a less manipulative and more earnest way.

The main difference between the two lies in how you present your experience. If you talk about your past sexual partners in a way that suggests you manipulated them into sleeping with you or sought domination and control over them, it will turn good women off. But if you talk about them in a way that suggests women naturally feel safe expressing themselves around you, that you were a positive force in these women’s lives,  it will do the opposite. This is especially true if you can demonstrate that the women who have been close to you before are still part of your life. I’ve always found it very unnerving that the normal course of having once been intimate with someone must be bitter alienation from them. It’s not a great sign if that’s the necessary outcome of a woman getting close to you.

Conversations about the mistakes you’ve made with women and how you’ve learned how to treat them (both physically and emotionally) since then endear you. They build up your credibility. By showing her that you are willing to be vulnerable first (despite, perhaps, having been hurt in the past by doing so), you increase a cautious woman’s incentive to reciprocate.

Do Sex Good (or, at Least, Don’t Do Sex Bad)

A basic philosophy of sex is to do a simple thing very well. In most cases, extravagant and elaborate flourishings infused upon the act are not required for a satisfying experience. Most women don’t care about how many fancy maneuvers you can perform or whether you can fulfill some secret fetish they picked up from childhood trauma, pornography, or romance novels. They want your attention, from your whole body to theirs. They want you to take the appropriate time and carefully make every motion, however minor.

It’s the sexual equivalent of a basic homecooked meal made with love. You don’t need expert filleting techniques and spices to pull this off (though it can certainly be interesting to broaden one’s palate by trying new things when appropriate). You just need to be confident in who you are, the tools and ingredients you are working with, and the outcome you are working toward. Whole body care and attention go much further than any other quality in the bedroom. And never resign yourself to laying on her and thrusting until you reach completion. That’s just lazy and, frankly, can’t possibly be that sexually rewarding for you either.

Think about Sex Like a Woman

The psychology of the sexual act is different for men and women. Our basic physiology all but requires it to be. Male genitalia is external. It is clearly visible, easy to handle, and protrudes away from the body. Female genitalia disappears inside the body. It is impossible to directly stimulate them without some level of invasiveness and, typically, deep penetration.

Imagine the headspace accompanying such different genitalia. A man is freer to view sex as something he does with an appendage he owns, a tool, a piece disconnected from the whole. A woman has no such luxury. Sex occurs inside her. She cannot avoid being physically vulnerable, no matter how dominant her personality might be compared to her male partner and how much she might physically manage to take control of the sexual encounter.

New female sexual partners might even avoid vaginal stimulation and penetration during the sexual act for a long time. It’s not because they wouldn’t find it pleasurable. It’s because they know how vulnerable such pleasure and the act required to create it would make them. They need to feel completely comfortable with themselves and their partner before they will attempt it.

But the average man never considers these uncomfortable possibilities from the woman’s perspective. He is too concerned with his own imperative, which is to thrust his way physically into something soft and warm that embraces him and feels good all around his most sensitive part.

Stop Focusing So Much on Your Dick and Your Orgasm (or Hers)

Another consequence of our differences in physiology is that the sexual experience tends to be more localized for men than women. Sexual stimulation is located predominantly in the penis for us. For some men, that may be the only place they feel it at all; the rest of the body is a dense and dull tool for them. It serves no purpose except to move them around and get manly shit done.

A consequence of a man’s general insensitivity and localized hyper-sensitivity is his obsession with his dick. So much of his capacity to feel is contained in it, and therefore so much of his identity. An entire sector of his personality exists there and nowhere else. Women can quickly infer this about men when they see how drastically his personality changes once his penis is stimulated. It’s one easy way for a physically weaker woman to dominate a man: by exploiting his most sensitive part.

A man who is ignorant of the differences in male and female physiology and how they influence sexual psychology will default to assuming that his sexual responses should be mirrored in his female partner. In other words, if he enjoys repeated heavy stimulation in one localized spot between his legs, he figures she must like that too. He touches her the way he wants her to touch him.

But a woman’s sexual responses are not nearly so localized to her genitals. She is designed to be more sensitive all over, which is something a dense and dull male body and the dense and dull mind that accompanies it cannot properly empathize with. He can only begin to understand what the experience is like for her by observing the starkly different ways she responds to different types and locations of physical stimulation. A man must learn to focus on his whole body and hers during all phases of the sexual encounter.

Counterintuitively, this even means letting go of the obsession with trying to make a woman orgasm through direct and consistent stimulation. She’ll get there when she’s ready to in the way she’s ready to.  

Stop Prioritizing the Way a Woman Looks

Porn, celebrity culture, and social media condition us to focus on how a woman looks, on how visually sexy she is. We are trained to evaluate her by her clothes and makeup from particular angles and under lighting conditions designed to accentuate what she wants you to see and hide what she doesn’t.

But looks are just one limited dimension of sexual chemistry. Touch, smell, intellect, emotional temperament, communication, and much more contribute to how rewarding a sexual experience will be between a man and a woman. You can have much better sex with someone you are only mildly visually attracted to but might share many other compatible aspects with than a generically beautiful Instagram model. The job of a model is to look good, nothing more. There’s much more to great sex than looking good.

Fortunately for ugly men, women have mostly figured this out already. That’s why they are willing to date, fuck, and marry men several levels below them on the aesthetics scale. 

Yes, of course, all other things being equal, you would prefer a partner you find visually appealing to one you don’t. But that’s another point. It’s about what you find visually appealing. And it’s certainly not about who would be the most coveted piece of arm candy you could parade around in public.

Would your eyes be so drawn to pornstars and lingerie models if you were not inundated by a culture that puts them everywhere and tells you they are the women you should be trying to woo? Do you even know what physical features you find most appealing in a woman? The answer might be different from the prevailing answers in your culture. Do you even remember what women look like beneath the charade of makeup, hairstyles, and other masks they have been influenced to wear for your benefit?

Learn How to Touch a Woman (No, Not Like That)

There is generally far greater variability in what women will enjoy during a sexual encounter than men. There is also greater variability in what they will not enjoy. Half the process is just figuring out the ideal way to touch a woman and interact with her that she will respond to best. No matter how skilled, experienced, and confident he is, a man cannot rush in blind and assume he knows a new woman’s body well. Exploration is essential, which we might otherwise think of as foreplay.

A man must observe what goes on in the woman as he works his way around her whole body. He may even accidentally discover several ways of stimulating her that result in disproportionately favorable responses from her. Perhaps she herself did not even know she would enjoy being touched that way. Perhaps she did not until now, under just the right conditions, with a partner she feels comfortable enough and has the right kind of chemistry with.

The consistent theme you may have begun to notice here is trust and comfort. That is the only way to turn a woman’s body from an insensitive non-sexual organism to a sensitive and sexual one for the time you are together. Otherwise, she stays closed off to you. Otherwise, she starts to think of the sexual experience like a man. It ruins all the magic of the dichotomy between masculine and feminine coming together.

Make the First Move, and Let Her Be the One to Make the Last

A special moment occurs when a woman decides she trusts you enough to have sex with you for the first time. That’s the moment she stops subtly ignoring your advances and starts overtly responding to them with her own. The process begins with you showing your intentions by the way you talk to and touch her in the places she allows you to. But still, she is depending on you to stop yourself from going where she is not ready for you to go based on how she responds to your initiation. Your job is to wait for her to give you the green light to complete the journey you’ve started.

Restraint is a very powerful thing in a man because it means the woman gets to be the one to indulge. It shows her he can be trusted to stop or back off if she changes her mind about what is happening for any reason. Remember: She is necessarily vulnerable during the sexual act. His imperative is full steam ahead, but hers is cautious indulgence. She needs to know that you can be on the same page as her before she gives in to what you are doing to her.

And the sexual experience can be so much more rewarding for a man when he lets her come to him this way, when he opens the door but lets her be the one to walk through it. He knows then that she definitely chose it. She wanted to push things there. She is not just responding politely to what he wants from her because she feels obligated to or wants to make him happy. She is pursuing her own happiness by engaging with him. And when two people can confidently do that together, rewarding sex and intimacy finally start to happen.