For the paragon, there is no separation between the concept of self and the mission they identify with. There is no difference between the ego they own and what they value. To exist is to act in service of those values as an outcome. The only way to stop serving them is to cease existing, which means either to literally die or be rendered incapable of consciousness, choice, and action.

Mopping is a thing that people do. Like all those other things they do. And every time they do those things they do, they just know what to do. The picture is fully formed and accessible without backtracking or analysis.

There exists an invisible enemy. I’ve been fighting it my whole life. It’s taken everything I’ve ever cared about. It threatens to do the same again now. No one else even seems to sense it. But I know that it’s always been there. It exists everywhere there are people, thinking and feeling minds for it to lurk in. It’s always looking, waiting for its opportunity to strike.

People always seem surprised when I show them this side of myself. It’s unsettling for them. I let my veil slip a little. I reveal glimpses of the truth that I have been suicidal for a long time and that I struggle to justify living and acting in the world. They see me as a thoughtful, engaging, and infinitely resourceful man. I am someone who doesn’t let conventional obstacles stop him from pursuing what he values. How is it even possible for such a person to be depressed, especially to the degree that they consider ending their own life?

The greatest cat I’ve ever known has died. And reality is worse now.